Recovering

 I find myself in this stage over and over. Yet I notice that the recovery is never final. I fall into neediness like it was second nature. I've been here so many times and is what I want to change about me. Like trying to fill a void or something. But the void falls back into me. Constantly  forgetting what I have learned and what I don't want in my life.

 So it's very clear that what I don't want is to fall back into a relationship like the one I was in. Someone else controlling my every move without knowing, and later changing it and going on that roller coaster ride I permit myself to be on. Yes, I do this to myself.  I want to be free why do I need that someone else controls me.

 Well sometimes its easier to blame someone else for the things that happened to you in your present you become a victim again because your mind set is in the past. It's easier to be the victim, than owning your choices. So, I do acknowledge that my new life of happiness and joy is a lot of work, but it takes the same amount of work to be miserable.

 Why do I choose to be miserable it's the pattern of abuse I chose to live by in my relationship with my ex. Setting my self free from the chains and the shackles is a ongoing work for me. I need to re read what I write re do  every step I took the day before. Having a new routine helps.  I wake up and stat my choice game. Coffee or a good hearty Breakfast? Do my run or sty in bed till 10?

At the end of the day if it felt great  keep it the rest just need to be re done tomorrow.

Shock! Acceptance and Healing.

The DAY he was forced to leave from the house, I felt a big relief. But at the same time the feelings of loss and despair were among me.  Everything seem so weird that I still ran on the AUTOMATIC PILOT that was him.  Still controlling me.  I let myself be conditioned to please his every desire, want and need but it was never enough.  When I acknowledged that, was when the healing began.

 I decided to please me. Do what I wanted. So I reveled against my kitchen. My friends would come over and try to clean up my fabulous mess. I would just tell them. " If you want to help please don't Clean I am enjoying my mess, when I want to I will clean it!"  When I want to!  Those words were powerful now I can do what I want. Is my time and I had to recondition my behavior to start to please myself and not feel lost cause I didn't have control of my life, someone else did. So anything that I started to be aware that I did to please him I did the total opposite. There I found myself with a smile.

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Actions I've Taken, That Have Inspired Me To Change.

Wow! I read my first post here and I can see I have come a long way. I've been working very hard to heal through this process. Though it hasn't been easy. I am liking who I am and who I have to become. I was always there but I wasn't able to see me anymore. First of all I had to dig deep inside my soul to see what was wrong.  I was NEEDY, and this was reflected on the relationship I chose to be in for many years. I realize that I needed someone to make me happy. Instead of being happy with just me. So I started the arduous work to change since, who I was was not making me happy. I chose to see what made me happy about being me and not try to change who I was so the people I wanted to be in relationships with would like me.  First I started to surround myself with beauty and love the ambiance in my home. Since my home wasn't the place I loved I changed how it looked.  I added color,  flowers, decorated with things I loved. This small change in the ambiance of my home made me feel more emotionally centered and realized that I permitted my ex to control everything I did and even who I was to please him. Again this is called being NEEDY. I needed him to show me all the time that I was good enough to be with him. How did I come up with this? You might say. Well my sister in law who has been the woman who has been there for me during this time of grief told me to start journaling my feelings and do 3 these three things everyday.

1. Do one thing for the mind.
2. Do one thing for your body.
3. Do one thing for your soul.

So for my minds I started reading lots of books. (will give you a list soon). For my body I started to walk everyday if I didn't go for my walk I didn't really feel good so I notice I had to force myself to do it. So while walking I also started meditating and listening to Deepak Chopra Healing Affirmations. While in the marriage I listen to these constantly and failed to understanding because of the numbness I was feeling inside. While I was walking giving this time to my body. They just made sense. I had these amazing Aha! Moments that just made me feel great and understood I was also the problem cause I was always blaming my husband of how he made me feel I understood that I needed to understand and confirm that to feel good about me I couldn't give people the power of judgement. If I allowed them and cared about what they thought of me I was letting everyone around me judge who I was. I decided one morning after long conversations with my sister in law (who I will stat to call her Mi Ne for the next time I mention her you would know who am I talking about) that I had to stop caring what people thought of me because that was what I will think of myself. My goal then and there was to not give importance to what my husband thought of me.  She told me to write three things I wanted to be.

 So I wrote them on my journal and it goes like this; I want to be an  INDEPENDENT, FEARLESS, EMPOWERED WOMAN. So that I can INTERRELATE with Society and care for those who Depend on me that are my CHILDREN.

I started to write these words everyday on my journal before writing anything else. I even look for their definition so my conscious and unconscious would understand them even if I was in an state of DENIAL.

Independent - free from control of others, not depending on another for livelihood, happiness or subsistence.

Empowered - Authority to do something especially in controlling their life and clamming their rights.


If you are reading my blog you can relate. I would love to hear from all of you what words would you choose to make that change you desire?  And CHANGE.

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Anonymous For Now

I decided to write this blog with the purpose of documenting my healing process, during a very tumultuous divorce. It's been six months since I separated physically from my husband. I say this cause, I felt our relationship ended last June. I wasn't until this past January I had the strength to confront my fear. It was very important for me to look back on what had happened to me. The depression, the constant roller coaster ride, the physical pain, forgetting events, isolating from people I cared about, constantly being sick and Dr's not finding any physical problems just emotional despair.  But shame to acknowledge that I was emotionally abused kept me from realizing I was living a nightmare marriage.  It has taking me a year to to heal and I am still in this process. I've reach out to people I chose to isolate from, since my husband slowly convinced me they were no good for me. I obeyed every demand but it was never enough to please him. I became what he needed and lost who I was in the process. Afraid to lose my children I kept myself in this destructive relationship. One of many things I hope to accomplish now is to let women know that it gets better and if they see themselves in me,  they can follow the steps I've taken to break free. The most important breakthrough was that  I didn't want my children to repeat the pattern. I didn't want them to believe my relationship with their dad was was a healthy one. Since I am still in the process of my divorce I wish to maintain anonymous, but soon I will let the world know who I am. For now I want to let the Universe know that I am a Beautiful, Fearless, Independent,and  Empowered Woman.



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