The DAY he was forced to leave from the house, I felt a big relief. But at the same time the feelings of loss and despair were among me. Everything seem so weird that I still ran on the AUTOMATIC PILOT that was him. Still controlling me. I let myself be conditioned to please his every desire, want and need but it was never enough. When I acknowledged that, was when the healing began.
I decided to please me. Do what I wanted. So I reveled against my kitchen. My friends would come over and try to clean up my fabulous mess. I would just tell them. " If you want to help please don't Clean I am enjoying my mess, when I want to I will clean it!" When I want to! Those words were powerful now I can do what I want. Is my time and I had to recondition my behavior to start to please myself and not feel lost cause I didn't have control of my life, someone else did. So anything that I started to be aware that I did to please him I did the total opposite. There I found myself with a smile.
F
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Friday, May 23, 2014
Actions I've Taken, That Have Inspired Me To Change.
Wow! I read my first post here and I can see I have come a long way. I've been working very hard to heal through this process. Though it hasn't been easy. I am liking who I am and who I have to become. I was always there but I wasn't able to see me anymore. First of all I had to dig deep inside my soul to see what was wrong. I was NEEDY, and this was reflected on the relationship I chose to be in for many years. I realize that I needed someone to make me happy. Instead of being happy with just me. So I started the arduous work to change since, who I was was not making me happy. I chose to see what made me happy about being me and not try to change who I was so the people I wanted to be in relationships with would like me. First I started to surround myself with beauty and love the ambiance in my home. Since my home wasn't the place I loved I changed how it looked. I added color, flowers, decorated with things I loved. This small change in the ambiance of my home made me feel more emotionally centered and realized that I permitted my ex to control everything I did and even who I was to please him. Again this is called being NEEDY. I needed him to show me all the time that I was good enough to be with him. How did I come up with this? You might say. Well my sister in law who has been the woman who has been there for me during this time of grief told me to start journaling my feelings and do 3 these three things everyday.
1. Do one thing for the mind.
2. Do one thing for your body.
3. Do one thing for your soul.
So for my minds I started reading lots of books. (will give you a list soon). For my body I started to walk everyday if I didn't go for my walk I didn't really feel good so I notice I had to force myself to do it. So while walking I also started meditating and listening to Deepak Chopra Healing Affirmations. While in the marriage I listen to these constantly and failed to understanding because of the numbness I was feeling inside. While I was walking giving this time to my body. They just made sense. I had these amazing Aha! Moments that just made me feel great and understood I was also the problem cause I was always blaming my husband of how he made me feel I understood that I needed to understand and confirm that to feel good about me I couldn't give people the power of judgement. If I allowed them and cared about what they thought of me I was letting everyone around me judge who I was. I decided one morning after long conversations with my sister in law (who I will stat to call her Mi Ne for the next time I mention her you would know who am I talking about) that I had to stop caring what people thought of me because that was what I will think of myself. My goal then and there was to not give importance to what my husband thought of me. She told me to write three things I wanted to be.
So I wrote them on my journal and it goes like this; I want to be an INDEPENDENT, FEARLESS, EMPOWERED WOMAN. So that I can INTERRELATE with Society and care for those who Depend on me that are my CHILDREN.
I started to write these words everyday on my journal before writing anything else. I even look for their definition so my conscious and unconscious would understand them even if I was in an state of DENIAL.
Independent - free from control of others, not depending on another for livelihood, happiness or subsistence.
Empowered - Authority to do something especially in controlling their life and clamming their rights.
If you are reading my blog you can relate. I would love to hear from all of you what words would you choose to make that change you desire? And CHANGE.
F.
1. Do one thing for the mind.
2. Do one thing for your body.
3. Do one thing for your soul.
So for my minds I started reading lots of books. (will give you a list soon). For my body I started to walk everyday if I didn't go for my walk I didn't really feel good so I notice I had to force myself to do it. So while walking I also started meditating and listening to Deepak Chopra Healing Affirmations. While in the marriage I listen to these constantly and failed to understanding because of the numbness I was feeling inside. While I was walking giving this time to my body. They just made sense. I had these amazing Aha! Moments that just made me feel great and understood I was also the problem cause I was always blaming my husband of how he made me feel I understood that I needed to understand and confirm that to feel good about me I couldn't give people the power of judgement. If I allowed them and cared about what they thought of me I was letting everyone around me judge who I was. I decided one morning after long conversations with my sister in law (who I will stat to call her Mi Ne for the next time I mention her you would know who am I talking about) that I had to stop caring what people thought of me because that was what I will think of myself. My goal then and there was to not give importance to what my husband thought of me. She told me to write three things I wanted to be.
So I wrote them on my journal and it goes like this; I want to be an INDEPENDENT, FEARLESS, EMPOWERED WOMAN. So that I can INTERRELATE with Society and care for those who Depend on me that are my CHILDREN.
I started to write these words everyday on my journal before writing anything else. I even look for their definition so my conscious and unconscious would understand them even if I was in an state of DENIAL.
Independent - free from control of others, not depending on another for livelihood, happiness or subsistence.
Empowered - Authority to do something especially in controlling their life and clamming their rights.
If you are reading my blog you can relate. I would love to hear from all of you what words would you choose to make that change you desire? And CHANGE.
F.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)